6Zoom etiquette — still, muted unless speaking, stay the full 90 min
Suggested: lead-in circle, punctuality (5 min early), attendance priority, WhatsApp norms. Run agreements every week, min. six weeks. Visual hands-up to confirm.
Centering — pick ONE, rehearse it
Purpose: get into the body, out of the head, regulate, be present. 6–8 minutes.
Have one really good one, very well practised. Depth over breadth. Peer-review any new exercise before using it.
Feedback — be a clean mirror
Three gates before any feedback:In service (to him, not your curiosity)With consent ("Can I offer you an observation?")With compassion (meet him where he is)
Open / Drop-in circles
Questions only. No leading questions (no smuggled opinion). Prefer open over closed.
"How did you feel when they stormed out? What was the sensation in your body?"
Model humility and quick, sincere apology. Trust = competence + care + consistency.
Self-Inventory — have answers ready
My habitual conflict reaction (toward/away/against)?
My triggers — and where I feel them in the body?
Masculine/feminine default: structured-grounding or relational-flowing? Where do I add the other?
Which "Mr Men" archetypes do I recognise in myself? (Talksalot, Solver, Knower, Performer…)
Principles & Conduct (quick recall)
Principles: ease in/out of depth · freedom within form · adult–adult · make the implicit explicit · be with what is · assume robustness · control the space, not the work · it's not your shit.
Conduct: be authentic, curious, with, adaptable, compassionate, prepared, adult–adult, of service.
Tip: use your browser's print to save either view as PDF. Printing includes both views, one per page.
Warm-Up Questions by AAA Stage
Use proactively (match the stage you're in) or reactively (respond to what's live in the room). Ask the group what level they want — Low / Medium / High (1, 2 or 3 fingers).
Forming — Beginnings
Container · small talk · intentions · agreements
Small talk
Where do you live? Who with?
What's your job / role / day-to-day?
What does a typical weekend look like?
How do you spend your time?
What are your hobbies, interests, passions?
Who are you close with?
Intentions
What do I want? What am I here for?
What do I have to offer this circle?
How do I plan to use this experience?
I want to give myself permission to feel.
Where does this sit in my priorities?
What's worked here for me already?
What hasn't worked that I've since figured out?
What does a positive relationship look like to me?
What am I committing to?
Agreements
One minute each on the agreements worksheet.
What's the easiest way to break my trust?
Awareness
Past · building trust · introductions · life stories
Building trust
How am I? What's going on?
What is masculinity to me?
What are my top values, and why?
Men are…? Being a man is…?
What responsibilities do I have as a man?
What's my relationship to my appearance?
What am I most proud of accomplishing recently?
I'm working on…
Vulnerability is…
One thing I've learned about power is…
Something I know about money is…
My greatest strength is…
When did I last feel genuinely vulnerable?
When did I last cry?
What is freedom to me?
What is my greatest fear?
What would make my life more meaningful?
If I died today, what would I regret not doing?
What is my superpower — and its pitfall?
What's the biggest obstacle to my happiness?
When did I last feel anxious / excited / joyful / afraid / alone / curious…?
The past
What would I say about my early years?
A few favourite childhood memories?
What characteristics and beliefs were shaped by my past?
A moment my values or viewpoint changed significantly?
Do I still feel the effects of major past events now?
A family ritual or tradition I cherish?
Are unresolved past problems impeding me now?
Life stories
How did I get here? Who am I from? What am I from?
What's my history with… (pick a topic)?
A lesson I had to unlearn (from my father)?
The most pain I've experienced that wasn't physical?
When did I last mess up, leading to shame or embarrassment?
My biggest battle to date?
My experience / relationship with shame?
The most painful thing I've ever been told?
One stranger I'll always remember?
As a child, what did the adults around me not understand?
Something my parents did that I never want to repeat?
Acceptance — Understanding the Present
Patterns · triggers · relationships · self-care
Patterns / habits
What 'white lies' do I tell myself or others, and why?
In what ways am I numbing myself from life?
My coping mechanism when life gets rough?
A 'longed-for' coping mechanism instead?
What am I addicted to?
The primary thoughts that cross my head daily?
What habit serves me well?
Something I tell myself often — and something I want to stop saying.
Triggers
How does anger show up for me? How do I "do" anger?
My relationship with anger?
Who triggers me most, and why?
When triggered, where do I feel it in my body?
Changes I'd like in how I give and receive love?
Insecurities getting in the way of meaningful relationships?
Patterns of thinking causing problems in relationships?
What effects do my feelings have on people around me?
Relationships
Who am I with? Tell us about someone who means something to you.
What did my last relationship teach me about myself?
My sexual turn-offs / turn-ons? How do I define good sex?
Advice about romantic love I wish I'd had at 18?
One thing I now understand about love is…
Do I ever feel alone, and why?
Self-care
How well do I treat myself?
My relationship with food?
What's missing from my self-care habits?
The first thing I think of when I wake?
Something I haven't done in a long time that I wish I did more?
The one song that makes me smile even when low?
A difficult conversation I need to have with myself?
Bad habits that might be affecting my health?
Action — Radical Responsibility
Future visioning · goal setting · small weekly actions
Future visioning
How does my perfect future appear to me?
Any concerns about my future?
How well do present objectives fit my long-term plan?
What impact do my core values have on future plans?
How do I respond to unexpected changes to long-term plans?
How do I handle uncertainty about the future?
How do I make sure my plans help me feel fulfilled?
My definition of success in my career — has it changed?
Goal setting
Which matter more — long-term or short-term goals?
Do self-limiting thoughts stop me pursuing my goals?
How do I balance career and personal goals?
Small, incremental, weekly actions
What do I need to do this week toward my goal?
How can I make my daily life easier? What adds ease to my day?
What small action would make a big difference?
Reactive use: let the room steer you. If men are talking about fathers, try "What qualities of your father are you keen to continue, or discontinue?" Questions can set the tone, respond to emergent themes, or guide topical enquiry. Use judgement on which to ask each week.
External Resources
Frameworks worth bringing into the circle. Not from the training booklet — these are outside lenses that fit the work.
The Johari Window
A map of self-awareness built by Joseph Luft and Harrington Ingham in 1955 (the name is just "Joe + Harry"). It plots what's known about a man on two axes: what he knows about himself, and what others know about him. That gives four rooms. The whole point of a circle is to move material between them.
Known to self
Not known to self
Known to others
Open
He knows · they know
What he's aware of and willingly shows. The shared, visible self.
Blind spot
He doesn't · they do
The clenched jaw, the dropped voice, the self-deprecation everyone sees but he can't. Where feedback lands.
Not known to others
Hidden
He knows · they don't
What he holds back: private feelings, the things he chooses not to say. Where vulnerability lives.
Unknown
Neither knows · yet
Buried material not yet surfaced. The deep work that emerges over weeks.
Hidden → Open. A man shares something he normally keeps back. Practising vulnerability and being witnessed. He shrinks the hidden room himself.
Blind → Open. An observation feeds back what he can't see. "I noticed you downplayed your pain." This is make the implicit explicit.
Unknown → the rest. Over time, patterns and triggers surface that nobody, him included, could see at the start.
How it maps to our language
Make the implicit explicit = reaching into the blind spot so he gets the choice to act on it.
Be a clean mirror = showing the blind spot free from your own opinion or projection.
Observation feedback = the precise tool for a blind-spot → open move.
All emotions welcome / by invitation = the conditions that let a man open the hidden room on his own terms.
The craft caveat
The blind spot is, by definition, where he can't see. Feedback aimed there can feel exposing, so it needs the three gates: in service, with consent, with compassion, and good timing.
Handing someone information about themselves they didn't have lands differently from sharing a fact. Done well it's a gift; done clumsily it's an ambush.
Talking points for the group
Draw the four rooms on a board. Ask each man which room feels biggest for him right now.
"What's one thing sitting in your hidden room that you could move into the open today?"
"Are you willing to hear what others might see in your blind spot?" (consent first)
Name the circle itself: every share shrinks the hidden room; every clean observation shrinks a blind spot.
One honesty note for the room: this is a useful map, not a measured thing. The rooms have soft edges and you can't size them precisely. Use it as a way of thinking about disclosure and feedback, not a diagnostic.
The Drama Triangle Karpman
Three roles people slip into under stress, each avoiding responsibility in its own way. Stephen Karpman mapped them in 1968. They speak straight to the booklet's "Bad Facilitator: hero / rescuer / fixer" warning and to the Mr Victim / Mr Solver archetypes. The trap is that the roles feed each other and rotate: a rescuer who feels unappreciated flips to victim, a victim who lashes out becomes persecutor.
"Victim" here means the stance of powerlessness, not a man who has actually been harmed. Real harm is real; the triangle is about the role we adopt.
The way out
The antidote (David Emerald's "empowerment dynamic") swaps each role for a responsible version:
Victim → Creator (what do I want, what's my next step?)
Persecutor → Challenger (holds a standard without blame)
Rescuer → Coach (asks rather than fixes)
This is the booklet's adult–adult dynamic by another name: empower, don't fix.
Talking points for the group
"Which corner do you go to first under stress?"
"Where does your rescuing actually keep someone stuck?"
As facilitator: notice your own pull toward Rescuer when a man is in pain.
Name the rotation when you see it live in the circle.
The Window of Tolerance Siegel
Dan Siegel's name for the zone where a man can feel something strongly and still stay present and think. Outside it, the nervous system takes over and real work stops. This is the missing why under the booklet's centering practice: you centre to widen the window and to bring men back inside it.
Above the window
Hyper-arousal — fight / flight
Flooded, angry, panicked, racing. Too activated to reflect. Signs: raised voice, clenched body, can't be reached by reason.
Inside the window
Window of tolerance — present & regulated
Can feel grief, anger, fear and stay in contact, think, choose. This is where shares and feedback actually land. The goal state for the circle.
Below the window
Hypo-arousal — freeze / shut-down
Numb, withdrawn, flat, dissociated, "gone." Signs: going quiet, vacant, disconnecting, intellectualising at a distance.
What widens it
Slower out-breath than in-breath (the booklet's referral advice already uses this)
Naming the feeling (links to the Wheel of Emotions)
Feeling safe and witnessed, not alone (the agreements do this)
Practice over time — the window widens with use
Facilitator use
If a man is hyper-aroused: slow things, breathe, don't push for more depth.
If hypo-aroused / shutting down: gently invite contact, don't pile on.
"Big questions need lots of space" (booklet) = don't push a man past his window.
Answers the question "what's the point of the breathing?"
Stay in your lane: this explains regulation, it doesn't make you a trauma therapist. Persistent dissociation or flooding is a referral, per the booklet's risk protocol, not something to process in the circle.
Psychological Safety Edmondson
Amy Edmondson's researched account of why people take interpersonal risks, speaking up, admitting error, being vulnerable, in some groups but not others. It's the evidence base under the booklet's "forming the container" stage: the agreements exist to manufacture exactly this.
What it is (and isn't)
A shared belief that the group is safe for interpersonal risk-taking. It is not niceness, lowered standards, or comfort. High safety plus high challenge is the goal, which is the booklet's "Support & Challenge" value precisely.
How a circle builds it
Explicit agreements (confidentiality, by invitation)
The facilitator modelling fallibility first
Consistency — same start, same form, every week
Responding to vulnerability with acknowledgement, not advice
Talking point: "What would make it 10% safer to say the real thing here?"
bell hooks — The Will to Change
The ethical counterweight to the archetype tradition. Where the mythopoetic strand (Bly, the King-Warrior-Magician-Lover model) roots men's work in archetype, hooks roots it in a critique of patriarchy: the claim that the same system that privileges men also cuts them off from feeling, connection, and being fully known. The booklet's own history section flags the essentialism risk in the Bly lineage, hooks is the direct answer to it.
Why it fits the work
Frames male loneliness and low help-seeking (the booklet's "2026" page) as products of conditioning, not nature.
Treats emotional recovery as the core task, the same ground as the Acceptance stage.
Names the cost of "Mr Strong / Mr Performer" without shaming the man underneath.
Use with care
It's a political and cultural argument, not a technique, so it lands differently than a tool. Offer it as a lens some men will find clarifying and others will want to push back on, and hold that disagreement as legitimate. That openness is itself the modelling.
Companion reading the booklet won't have given you: Brené Brown on shame and vulnerability, accessible enough to quote directly to a group.
Where these sit vs. the booklet
None of these are in the training booklet. Its named models are Tuckman (group stages), Horney (moving toward/away/against), Rosenberg's Non-Violent Communication, the Core Quality Quadrant, and the Wheel of Emotions. Everything on this page, Johari, the drama triangle, the window of tolerance, psychological safety, and bell hooks, is an outside lens that happens to fit. Introduce any of them as your own connection, not as part of the curriculum. The two to handle most carefully are the archetype models (the booklet itself notes the mythopoetic strand can drift into essentialism) and bell hooks (a political argument, best offered as a lens to discuss rather than a truth to assert).